On this eve of Valentines Day my
heart has been heavy. Just another hallmark holiday, just another day to buy
chocolate and roses and swoon the one you love. I personally have nothing
against the day; in fact I view it as a highlight to the dreary never-ending
days of winter. I think it is sweet to share the love with my kids, my friends
and of course… my husband.
When we
were dating we pulled out all the stops: romantic dinners, love notes, poems,
extravagant gifts, and chocolate…c’mon we can’t forget every women’s love
language! Now years later, I am faced with a love that has survived pregnancy
mood swings, morning sickness, childbirth, burnt dinners, midnight cravings,
newborn feeding marathons, blow out diapers, projectile vomit, toddler
tantrums, messy minivans, and the toll of these exhausting and holy days of
raising children. It doesn’t look the same as it did when we were starry-eyed
teenagers, but our love has only deepened in the seemingly mundane events experienced
over the last seven years as husband and wife.
I’m not naïve
enough to think that we have bypassed the hard times yet, for I know that seven
years is just a short walk in the journey of a married life but I do know that
God has been faithful to bring us this far. My heart is heavy, because when I
look at the world around me, the picture of romance painted for my daughter’s
future… I am disappointed. To see Hollywood glamorize abuse as pleasure, to
feature practically pornographic images to my sons as we walk into our local
bookstore, to cheapen the love story I have with my husband because it doesn’t
seem as appealing as the romance novels. This is the stuff that makes me angry.
I write today because all I want is to present another voice, a voice that may
not be as loud as the surrounding noise, but a voice that only wishes to speak
truth to the lies that Hollywood has wrapped in enticing packages.
True love is not self seeking, true
loves cares about a women’s emotions and comfort levels, whether inside the
bedroom, on the other side of a heated phone call, or the other end of a couch
rubbing a pregnant women’s feet. A wise man knows that a women’s innate need
for love and affection is directly related to her view of his masculinity and
attractiveness. A man who is willing to sacrifice his needs for yours is a
keeper, and is exactly the man who you want to look for. There is a reason
Christ uses marriage to represent himself in the Bible and that is to show us
that love cannot exist without sacrifice! If I had to tell my daughter who to
look for in a valentine, I would tell her to look for a man that resembles a
servant. A man that cherishes her for her imperfections as much as her beauty,
a man that listens before he speaks, and is quick to apologize when he’s blown
it. To the world this man looks a lot like a sucker or a pushover, but I
wouldn’t have it any other way. The world was redeemed by a single act of
selfless love, and it was the most powerful event in history. Don’t tell me
love can’t transform lives, don’t tell me a man that sacrifices his needs for
yours isn’t sexy, don’t even tell me that you wouldn’t want a boring love like
mine who walks in weary every day at sunset and gets his hands dirty changing
diapers and stacking dinner dishes. Don’t tell me a man with a lap filled with
little ones reading bedtime stories isn’t wildly attractive? Women, Girls,
little Ella, don’t ever settle for just any man that tells you your beautiful,
any one can lace together some compliments, choose the man who pursues your
heart, who is willing to give up dreams, trade in sports cars, and fight for
you at whatever cost. Outward beauty will fade, stretch marks happen, the size
of your pants will fluctuate, and mascara and lipstick may be reserved for
special occasions only, but a man who loves you beyond all of that is a man
worth treasuring. My love story wouldn’t sell out in a theater, it wouldn’t
make stellar ratings, and it would most likely be dismissed as boring, but I
wouldn’t have it any other way.
Is the hunt for a man like this hard?
Unfortunately it is, there are a lot of men that have sold out to the world, a
lot of men that have sought to validate themselves by domineering, and by
disguising manhood in sportscars, suits, and success. There are also a lot of
fathers who have checked out and not shown their sons how to be real men and
how to show love at the risk of being vulnerable. But I believe there is still
hope, I believe God is in the business of redeeming men and women back to
himself, and I also believe the church has a role to play. At the risk of
getting uncomfortable the church has remained silent on issues that matter, on
sex, on marriage, on relationships. We think that a short series for a couple
of weeks, or one small group bible study will give us freedom to check the box.
Unfortunately our young people are slipping away, and the voices of the world
are so much clearer than the whisper of the church. I’ve done ministry and been
guilty of shying away from the uncomfortable conversations myself, but I
realize now that if change is going to happen, if we are going to raise men
that represent Christ well, relationships that are attractive instead of
repulsive then we have to get this thing right. Our children’s future depend on
it, the way we model marriage matters, the way we serve our spouses is way more
than ordinary, and it is our responsibility to raise selfless husbands and
respectful wives. Its not about who’s in charge or who gets the last word, its
about who can out-serve. And when serving is your focus, both partners needs
are met and your relationship will look a lot like what God intended to convey
to a hurting world. And that’s the true love story that Hollywood is holding
out on you.
