lessons from a toddler

So...ya. The time I learned an unexpected lesson from my oldest son. He is only four, and has always been an awesome kid. Sure there are times he drives me crazy like all kids do to their parents, but I am so proud of his character and the child he is growing into. Like any other parent, I think deeply over topics like fostering generosity in my children, teaching them respect, kindness and a true love for others. But on this occasion, my child blew me away. I am totally not sharing this story, to give myself a pat on the back, but to truly confess that I need to take my child's example in this situation. He taught me something very valuable that I want to exercise in my own life.

The story goes like this...

In our house, birthdays are kinda a BIG deal. My children get this from me, as my husband still thinks birthdays are overrated. Growing up, I was an only child for ten years and so each year when my birthday rolled around, we partied hard and ate lots of cake. In our house today, post three children, we do try to keep a happy medium of making each child feel special, but also keeping things sweet and simple. Turns out my kids adore my hom-eade cakes and don't mind that there aren't an entourage of guests at their party. Who knew? But as much as we simplified each year, my kids still get a large influx of new toys, which is a blessing and challenge at the same time! Our heart as parents is to keep our kids lives simplified, and also to teach them that it is always much more fulfilling to give rather than to receive. Also did I mention we have 5 people living in a 2 bedroom, 1000 square foot apartment. That helps us simplify our toy selection as well. But during this specific occasion, my son's fourth birthday came and he had made one large request for a toy he had been eyeing at Target for weeks. "A BATMAN HOUSE" or headquarters in adult language. He had wanted this plastic bat cave for a long time and made his requests known. So like any good grandparent, my mom, his mimi, took his cute self to target and bought him his dream come true, a batman house. We lugged it home and he was in his glory, sprawled on the floor creating superhero scenarios and shielding each little trinket from his bothersome little brother. And then the next morning came, and I so do this...we do this...He got up to start playing with his batman house and then casually walked over to me and mentioned if he was going to get the second set that went with his toy? Batman's condo or something...ha. I took the opportunity and ran with it. I sat him on my lap and began to explain what the word "greedy" meant. I explained that we "need" certain things and we "want" other things, but they are not the same. His eyes grew wide as I also explained that there are boys and girls who don't have any toys, or food or even a home. And then I got a great idea to challenge him to take a few toys that he doesn't use anymore and we would donate them to the "boys and girls" who had no toys. And this is where he changed the game on me...
I figured in my small view of things he might grab one or two items and halfheartedly give them away, but I was taken back by his response. "ok mom", he literally grabbed the bag out of my hands, compelled to help those children who were without. He raced to his room, and I followed feeling a bit skeptical at first. And then he wrecked me...I leaned against the doorframe of his room and watched him dump every.single.matchbox car he owned into that bag. In my head I began shouting, "yikes! but you love those! You play with them every day" "Shut up!" I smiled, jaw clenched, tears running down my face, as he grabbed another bag and began dumping more toys into it. At one point he had a question that we all have when determining if we should keep our stuff. "mom, mimi gave this to me, will she cry if I give it to the little boys?" I laughed and said, "no, she won't mind".

Isn't this what I want for my kids, myself? This vulnerable, no holding back kind of compassion, that hears of a need and meets it? My head would spin in a million directions, trying to declutter, but it is so simple for him, he was compelled by a need and he recklessly and lavishly gave his BEST. Not the crumbs, but his main course. Isn't that how God loves us? All I could think about as I watched him was the verse that read , "The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these"...Children. It shouldn't just give us warm and fuzzies when the Bible tells us we are to become a child to enter the kingdom. Kingdom living is free, vulnerable, and detached from all worthless worry. Becoming a parent has been more redeeming than anything else I have ever done. If it weren't for seeing the world through my children's eyes, I would not understand the fullness of who God is. If you have children, soak up every moment, train them, teach them, love them, but let them speak into your life as well. I have a lot to learn from my kids. If you don't have children, find some...not in a creepy way, but begin to observe your nieces, nephews, kids you know. Kids will loosen you up, wreck your schedule and knock you down a few sizes, and its a beautiful ride.

Yesterday my son, took 2 bags of toys to a local charity where he sat down in the children's corner of their outreach diner. He recklessly dumped his treasures in the form of shiny cars into their toy bin, and asked many sweet questions. "what are the boys names? Who are their mommy and daddy?". If he had the boys right there, he would have pulled up a seat and shared a snack with them like they were his best friends. It was beautiful, convicting, powerful and humbling. The director of the outreach explained to my son that the toy area was where the boys and girls who came with their parents to get a hot meal, spent most of their time, and she told him that every time they enter her doors, they race to the toy area to see if there are any new toys. She also shared a story of one small boy, who is a regular around her community and who comes each week and lines up all the toy cars.

How amazing is that? I know I may sound corny and cheesy and over spiritual, but I know God placed us there for that very day. I know it wasn't chance that my son dumped his favorite cars into that donation bin. God knew there was a boy my sons age who would be elated to find new shiny cars in that toy bin. Because I truly believe the God I serve cares about a little boys wishes as much as he cares about my desires and my families well being and my sons heart. The fact that God chose my four year old to impact another child's life is humbling and I stand in awe of His plan and purpose.

Our matchbox car drawer is empty for now, I am sure it will be filled up again.  (especially when his little brother finds out the cars are gone) But our hearts are full, and we will be taking many more trips to the outreach, next bringing some of mamas things. My son hasn't even mentioned missing any of the toys he gave away, and I am hoping he learned a lesson in generosity, but the story doesn't have to stop there. I pray the story continues and our hearts grow heavier for the needs of others.  I am thankful that God has given me my children to push me out of my comfort zone, wreck my heart, show me true compassion and use these precious gifts of Hayden, Gavin and Ella to show me a glimpse of heaven on earth.

An unexpected date night...

So our life has been pretty crazy lately. Three kids under four, dirty dishes, unending laundry, hubby working towards his degree, time outs, teething baby, runny noses...life. My husband and I began to feel weary, as most parents of littles feel. We were well overdue for a date night, and were feeling the struggle of day to day life pulling us in different directions. I just needed a moment with my husband to recharge, I was desperate. So I had it all planned out! I already had a hair appointment scheduled, one of my only luxuries of sitting at a swanky salon where they serve you coffee in the chair, and allow myself a two hour window to be pampered...glorious. Then I would drop off my cherubs at my moms and go out to chipotle and coffee with the hubby. I couldn't contain myself thinking of all the fun I would have that Friday and how I really "deserved" a break! And then Friday came...and there I was at five guys in the throes of chasing toddlers and ketchup fingerprints, and I looked over to wipe my nieces sticky face (I had been watching her for the week at our house), and thats when I noticed a small crawly bug in her hair. What is that? I was mortified. So I discreetly killed it and wrapped it in a paper and did what all sane people do...I hurried across the street to the target pharmacy and made one pharmacist tech very uncomfortable by showing her my "Sample". Let's just say, she wasn't impressed. Fast forward several hours later, and I had worked myself up into a frazzled hot mess.  I had googled head lice, shown my sample to whoever would listen and called my mom and husband in a fury. I dropped my neice off, and called my hairdresser, warning her of the situation and begging her to give me some solid advice. Bless that womens soul. She talked me off the ledge and had me and my 3 babies come into her swanky salon and check us all for head lice. So instead of my two hour pamper session I wrangled my two toddlers as she trimmed their hair. Thankfully my children were spared from the nasty creatures, but me, ya not so lucky. Just a few days earlier I had shared my hairbrush with my adorable neice... bad move. My hairdresser told me I could have possible lice eggs, and just to wash my hair with the medicated treatment shampoo and wash all my clothing and bedding that was exposed. So I dropped my kids off at my moms and I broke down and ugly cried. I don't cry often and try my best not to cry in front of people, but weeks of frustration melted down my face, and I couldn't help but cry from complete exhaustion. The day I would finally catch a break,not so much. I rushed home to my husband , my 6 month old daughter in tow. I cried to my husband, who was also feeling the weight of our lost date night.

I will never forget those following hours. On our date night my husband raked shampoo through my hair over our bathtub. He has held my hand in labor three times, rubbed my back as I lost my lunch due to morning sickness, woken up to my bad breath, he has seen me happy, sad and angry, and he still loves me fearlessly. He kissed me as we leaned over that tub, and we had a good laugh at the unfortunate circumstances. We went on that night to load up a mini van full of trash bags of laundry to the only laundromat in town that was open at eight o clock on a friday night. (we live on the edge folks!) I had to laugh. I wrestled with God that day. "Cmon Lord, I really needed this, why? Seriously why?" He reminded me of all the times, I do things in my own strength without seeking the one who is the giver of true rest. He reminded me of Mathew 11 when I try to carry my own burdens thinking that I am being a good mom, a good wife, and just sucking it up and handling it all. But really, I often fail to seek my strength from the one who truly is the life giver, the burden carrier, the problem solver. I try to do things in my own strength and... I get lice. I spend my date nights at the laundromat. And honestly, the Lord taught me that going to Chipotle and the local shopping plaza may not have been true rest. Leaning over an industrial washing machine in a quiet laundromat next to my husband turned out to be pretty awesome. We had quiet conversation, we held hands, we sipped hot chocolate from the coffee shop across the street, we washed baby blankets, onesies and stuffed animals, we laughed, we had some moments. It was an unexpected blessing and I won't forget the lessons I learned and the memories I shared at that laundromat. It was a very bad day redeemed. And thats how God works...He likes to show me that what I think matters, really doesn't and what I think is good, sometimes He has something better, and all I know is that I want what He wants. Its different, but it's awesome! And I am gonna embrace the awesome from now on.

Rethinking Image

This week has been a rough week for me. Honestly, I think having three kids in four years is just catching up to me. The responsibilities that I am carrying, trying to wear so many hats and then pairing those hats down and realizing I have to be the BEST if I only have a few hats to juggle. Listening to the lies of the enemy is really easy these days, drowning myself in the distractions of facebook and instagram only leave me broken and empty. I finally gave up this week, and whispered a prayer of resignation amidst the dirty diapers and toddler tantrums. I can't do this alone...I feel very much inadequate...can you meet me here? And he did...The mess stayed, the tantrums didn't magically disappear and bad attitudes still crept up, but my heart was redeemed. I prayed He would change my perspective, and suddenly dishes in my sink were not crippling, soap scum in my shower and laundry piles didn't bother me as much as they did before. I had freedom to lay on the floor and read stories to my children while my house stayed disorderly. I released some of the reigns, and I am still learning to release more. Because I realize my attitude matters way more than a showcase house, and my children's hearts are so much more important than an organic meal and a pinterest worthy alphabetized pantry. God took me out at the knees to show me that I could not be who He wanted me to be if I still held on to all these silly ideals.
     You see my house wasn't the only issue I had, I had some housekeeping to do in my heart. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't like my physical body who battled through three back to back pregnancies, I didn't like mom who screamed at her kids in frustration, I didn't like the wife who sat on my ipad when my husband wanted to share his dreams with me. I was disgusted with who I was, but God whispered something back to me in this moment of self pity. You are worth it! You are amazing! Yes, bad days will come but let ME be the one who defines you! Seek Me for the strength to be who I called you to be! And I did...And I am slowly being transformed...And he spoke to me a new song, a new tune to live by. Instead of being sad, frustrated and unmotivated, I am going to be positive, uplifted, and encouraged...but not by myself, only with HIS help!
      To kick this off, I taped this to my bathroom mirror to help myself remember what really matters when I see my reflection...

Charm (a flat stomach) is deceptive and Beauty (a flawless complexion) is fleeting. BUT a women who fears the Lord (walks confidently in the design of her creator, loves her family fiercely, and lays down her life unselfishly daily) is worthy to be praised!   (paraphrased for my life from Proverbs 31)

I am finally excited to walk in freedom and live life to the fullest. I wasn't redeemed to walk around with a bad attitude. I was redeemed to be the best wife, mom and women I can be!

Lessons by the pool

The other day I experienced a mom moment at our local community center, sitting on the bleachers watching my almost 4 year old struggle in his first swimming lesson. There I was helpless on the sidelines as I watched with a pit in my stomach. My baby, my brave boy, my firstborn wiggled around the stairs with his fellow swimmers. When all the other children were happy to play by the rules and float along, my strong willed child decided to beat to the tune of his own drum. He jumped, he ran, we got some dirty looks, he paid no attention to the task at hand and asked 21 questions in a row, mind you we were only there for 20 minutes because his mama was late (we are not morning people in our family!)

To be honest...I left the swim lesson defeated and with an ugly attitude. Those instructers were horrible,  how dare they look exasperated with a pool full of energetic toddler boys at the crack of dawn on a monday morning? How dare they not give my babbling toddler every ounce of their attention? I was frustrated that my child had to be the one who acted up and didnt listen. While I personally sat there struggling to make eye contact with my son to show him "the look", the other moms chatted and checked their iPhones. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and angry at my child and everyone else in the room. Did I mention it was a crazy pre coffee monday morning?

We left the pool and the whole day pretty much took a turn for the worse after such a crazy start, and my attitude did not help things along. I called my mom, I called my husband, I made tons of excuses of how our day was not fun and swimming was going to be torture for the next four weeks. And I explained to our son how he had to listen and follow directions. He smiled, "ok mommy" and went back to his bathtub shenanigans of holding his breath under water. And then...Wednesday came, our dreaded second lesson, and I tried so hard to keep my cool and stay positive. I was on time with a smile, I prepped my toddler for the sixteenth time, and I graciously walked to the instructor and explained that my son was used to playing around at our family pool and we tried to communicate that this was a lesson and he had to listen, hoping that she would find grace for my child and not hate me for the next several weeks. And she smiled, and told me that all three year old boys were like mine, and that he will be fine, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't alone...my kid wasn't weird, or naughty, or a swim failure, he was just an average toddler testing the limits of the community pool. We went through that lesson with flying colors. My swimmer shined as he chatted his way down the pool, swimming laps and flirting with the instructor. All was well, I smiled as I watched him by himself twirling in the water, and splashing, enjoying the pool as a carefree child, blowing bubbles under the water like a champ. I took pictures, I soaked in every second, I bragged about his performance for days. But here is the thing...If I hadn't had such a rough first class with my son I would have never appreciated the triumph of his second class. And thats how life is right? The struggles we go through just make us experience the success as an even sweeter event. Honestly, if he hadn't had such a rough lesson the first round I probably would have missed out on those sweet moments, because I wouldn't have appreciated the memories of that swim class. I would have just gone through the motions and left just like it was any other extracurricular activity, but it wasn't. It was a sweet moment with me and my boy. A time between the two of us to encourage him, and cheer him on, to clap when he swam without a float, to wave at him across the pool. I will always appreciate those moments, and I will never get them back. I am thankful that I am able to experience life with this boy and so glad that he is teaching me to embrace the good and the bad moments because they are each so important in shaping who I am.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, on our second lesson I watched another mom breathe heavy as her toddler dove off the stairs into the deep end of the pool. I looked her way and smiled and we both had a good laugh. I've been there friend, I know exactly how you feel, and its all gonna turn out great!

Things that don't really matter

I went to school for 3 years to complete my Bachelors degree in Religion, with big plans to be in full time ministry. At the same time I had met this amazing boy in youth group just several years before I stepped onto my college campus. He was marriage material and I knew pretty quickly I would spend the rest of my life with him (yes even at sixteen years old ). Soon after my accomplishment of earning that coveted degree, I sealed the deal with my fiancé and made that boy in youth group my husband. It was actually only a few weeks after my graduation that we celebrated our wedding. And let me tell you...Marriage was awesome! I was living the dream and the next natural step was to fill that baby carriage. After only a few months into marriage I began to have baby fever and a few months after that I saw those pink lines on my pregnancy test and shouted from the bathroom to spread the joyous news with my husband. It was a whirlwind nine months of morning sickness, aches and pains, crazy cravings and an emergency c section that led to me holding my most monumental accomplishment in my arms. My son was here, staring at me with his piercing blue eyes, all 8 pounds of sweet smelling infant.

 I transitioned from wife to mom with ease and began a journey I always dreamed of but never totally understood. The depth of love for that one small human was beyond what I could fathom, and strangely enough regardless of the sickness, surgery and sleepless nights, two years later we were blessed with another son, and shortly after a precious daughter. And my love hasn't changed, but only multiplied in miraculous ways. Four years ago I landed an awesome job as youth pastor for one of the most amazing churches I had ever attended. I was pumped to preach messages, plan events and proud of myself for doing exactly what that diploma trained me for. As a pregnant twenty one year old straight out of college I thought I had mastered life and I thought I had reached my sweet spot. I had all sorts of plans to be a working mom... that is until my third pregnancy when I finally realized that God may have different plans than the ones I envisioned for myself.

 You see my plans involved working at my own goals and yet also wanting a family, and although that ideal may work out for some people it was not in the cards for me. God had called my heart from full time ministry in a church to full time ministry at home. Don't get me wrong, I still have a heart for the local church and ministry, my husband and I would love to be a full time missions family in the future, but for right now God has blessed me with 3 babies who will not be babies forever. He has called me home for a calling that will not receive any accolades, awards, or a glamorous spotlight. Most people will overlook my position for someone who sits at home and watches Netflix all day and that is ok. Because when my heavenly father called me to this position I knew it would be the hardest choice I ever made, and yet the most rewarding. Below is my favorite quote from Francis Chan and it has been my anthem as I live my life of dirty diapers and tantrums. I just want to make my focus things that matter, my family that matters. I could spend all my hours doing things that seem "good" and "worthy" but if I am neglecting those that truly matter I will have utterly failed the mission that God has for me. My biggest prayer for you and me is that we may live life to the fullest, denying what we want and what we view as important and seeking His heart in all things. For there is no greater place to be than in the center of His will, caring for those He has called us to.