Freedom in Letting go...

For most of my life I have felt a great urge to make a difference. I have felt a huge pull to make my life count, to be known for something, and to do things that matter. At a young age I felt "called" to ministry.  I always assumed I would be great at balancing it all, (if that's even possible) and just check my goals off of my handwritten list. I took the classes, accepted the degree, researched positions, strived and worked my way,most days in my own strength, and then I realized that I felt like a hamster spinning on a wheel going nowhere. I was living the dream, and yet I always felt like I was letting someone down. Whether it was my position or my family or my sanity, something always felt pulled. Until one day, a wise women told me. "Balance is hard to come by, life is made of choices, you choose one over the other and someone always feels cheated." You see I realized, life is full of delicate crossroads. There's always going to be many paths to take, I must be careful in what paths I choose.

I come from a long line of perfectionists. I can't even stand when my house is messy, I have to leave and take my kids to Target because it really bothers me. I like to do things well and I like to receive praise. Lets cut to the chase: my love language is words of affirmation. My love tank fills when I work hard, excel at something and someone notices enough to commend me. I like to be noticed, I like to be appreciated. So when I was constantly juggling hats what would happen was that I would either be half decent at some things and end up dropping some balls along the way or be really good at another thing but yet awful at something else. What this did was exhaust me, I wasn't seeing the  fruit of my labor because I was spinning in too many directions and dropping too many balls, so even though I was striving and running I was always falling short and never succeeding at anything. So I took a step back, and then another, and I let balls go and I tossed them to someone else, until one more ball was left in my court. I became a stay at home mom, and I rocked at loving my husband. I was intentional about my time, about pouring into my kids. I stopped juggling and I started scoring goals. I only had one ball and I knew what direction to run in. Most days that direction was face on the floor, asking God for help raising these little ones. These kids who never stop talking, or making messes, or asking questions. God led me to the mundane to break my cycle of balance. He was clear that I wasn't juggling anymore, but I was doing holy work. He brought me to my knees on this holy ground, revealed to me that I alone wouldn't be able to be a stellar mom, but that His grace would cover the areas I would mess up. Believe me folks, its not all rainbows and sunshine here. There is peace and grace and joy but its mixed into the chaos of crying, tantrums, and timeouts. But this is where God says," take off your shoes", you've met the sacred in the mundane. He called me off one platform and into another. On this platform I will not receive applause, but thats alright with me, because I know I am seen. I am seen by the one who finds value in the obscure, who calls the misfits instead of the qualified. I am seen by the one who chose me to be the wife and mom to my family. I don't take this calling lightly, I feel it is more apart of me than any other calling I have ever had.

So if you need freedom today to say NO to a commitment, I give you freedom. If you find life sucking you dry and you are so exhausted from running in circles, just wave the white flag. The enemy of this life wants nothing more than to keep you so busy and ragged that you miss the whole point. The God of this universe wants all of you, every part of your schedule. He wants you to breathe, to rest, to take shelter in Him. Its when you chase unnecessary things that you lose Him. He's waiting for you to return to Him for refreshment. So do it... I dare you. Stop balancing, stop juggling and just commit yourself to the one who made you, he designed you for specific things, you don't have to be good at it all. You don't have to strive. He loves you just the way you are and he longs to use you in ways you could never imagine if you would just allow him to. Take a step back and evaluate that which is most important. Write a list if you have to...Pray over that list and give it to God. It will be uncomfortable to say No, It will be hard to step back, or step away but if He is calling you to it, you will be refreshed, you will be renewed and you will be able to take a sigh of relief. In the words of Elsa, "Let it go". And you know what I have learned in my past experiences, sometimes, just sometimes, there may be someone else who can carry that ball a whole lot better than you, and is just waiting for you to drop it so they can pick it up and score. So be careful, to allow God to speak to you. Be aware that saying No, is not failing, its just accepting you can't do it all, and allowing someone else to step in. It's hard but its part of the good work He is doing in you. The pruning always hurts but its the only way new fruit will have room to grow. Keep it up, your doing great! (picture me waving pom poms in your face...or not) Fight the good fight, fight for what He's called you to and let go of the rest, don't fear dropped commitments or cleared schedules, having the extra time will just allow God room to work in your life. You may not be able to juggle, but you can score, just remember who He's called you to be and keep your eye on the prize! You got this!

On Marriage...

ok...so theres few things in life that I can say I feel confident in doing well, and I'm just gonna be real here...Marriage is one of them. Now before the fiery darts are released, I do not rock at wife status because I'm awesome, don't let me fool you. There are actually a lot of contributing factors that are out of my control and that I thank the Lord for everyday.

I was given some stellar examples and coincidentally so was my husband. We come from some rockstar relationships where two sets of young kids decided to go all in and love each other fiercely even though they themselves came from some broken backgrounds. Two groups of people decided to break bad habits, not rest on a crutch of past mistakes, and move forward leaning on God's strength to get them through the ups and the downs. For both, the marriage road wasn't easy but they put both feet forward and thrived even in the face of adversity. I call these 2 groups of people mom and dad, and I am so blessed beyond belief. The heritage they leave with me is priceless, and I have learned a lot from their successes and failures. I would not be who I am today without their shared experiences, and for that I am utterly grateful. So thanks parents and inlaws for making marriage seem worthwhile, enjoyable, adventurous, and honorable. Because of them my eye was on the prize at a young age, and I stepped into marriage with a clear view that it was going to be hard, but it was going to be an amazing journey as well.

Have I made mistakes...well yes. Every day to be honest. I don't think a day goes by that I do not do something insensitive or selfish. Yet I have learned from a loving mother one of the most important aspects of a successful relationship, and it comes in the form of one word that can sometimes get stuck in your throat. "SORRY". It may not be easy to admit defeat or that you acted like a hormonal basket case, but ladies and gentlemen, please learn how to say this word. Say it to your husband, say it to your kids, say it to your family members, friends and strangers. Learning how to quickly forgive your partner and accept that the world doesn't revolve around you will be the best thing you can do for your marriage. "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" its biblical, its cliche but its good solid truth. We were told right out the gate to never let an argument stew but always address the issue head on. Its easier that way, 10 times out of 10 our argument is really funny the next day and when we allow ourselves the freedom to let it go, we become happier people and we love each other better. It's that simple, its not complicated. Most of your marital issues can be solved in the matter of minutes, your pride may be bruised but your relationship will be better for it and I promise it gets easier with time. When you practice saying sorry for the trivial, it will make it easier for when you have a trial. When the real storms come, your forgiving muscle will be strong enough to endure the situation.

I'm no expert. Don't even ask me for parenting advice, I will laugh at you. Just saying.
All I can say is for the very short 6 years I have been married I have learned that forgiveness is powerful. Whatever struggle you may be having with your spouse, there is nothing more important than forgiveness. Forgiveness will restore broken hearts, shattered marriages, sinful people, awkward situations. Forgiveness is always the answer. Jesus forgave us for all of our sins, filth, breakdowns, issues and tantrums. I think we can do the same for the one we committed our life to. And for those of you who may be in such a dire situation that you could never imagine forgiving your spouse, I feel for you. Maybe the person you married is not the person you thought they were. Maybe you can't figure out how someone could love you and yet hurt you so bad. Marriage is hard, people are going to fail you, don't even expect otherwise. But Jesus...He can assure you He knows how you feel. He was betrayed by mankind and yet was able to act in love that resembled a cross. He took your sin and your ugly, and he asks you to do the same for others. Its not easy, I haven't mastered it, but I seek the one who has. Let's be real...you can't do it alone, your love is limited to your humanity, but you can just ask Him to help you. He wants to enter your mess...its kinda His thing. He's really good at restoring broken people and He is willing to enter your situation and give you the strength you need to forgive, if you just ask Him. It's not easy, but its always worth it. Even if all your answers are not solved, you will experience peace from knowing you have forgiven and allowed reconciliation to enter your life.

I don't know about you but I don't just want a marriage that survives. I didn't sign up for a roommate, or make some contract that I can alter when things get tough. I signed up for life to an imperfect person and that poor guy signed up to deal with all my crazy...but we are in this together. I want a marriage that looks like Jesus, I want a marriage that resembles the way Christ loves his Bride. I want my husband to actually desire to be in my presence. To find joy in our relationship. I want people to want what we have, because thats a marriage that reflects Jesus. Jesus walked around and set fires in peoples lives. People couldn't help but be attracted to what He had to say, what He was about. And I am convinced that God's design for our lives, our marriages and our families, is to light fires in the darkness. Our purpose is to reflect His love, and I'm positive that reflecting his love in our marriages and in our families is what the world needs to see. The world has enough broken stories, enough drama and chaos, what they need to see is two people who are committed to the grave,who wake up every day and choose to love regardless of their situation. So let's represent real marriage, where the joy outweighs the struggle. Let's offer up apologies, and believe the best in the person we fell madly in love with. Let's prove to the world that fairy tales just might still exist and prince charming looks a lot like a grown man wearing a superhero mask.

What Grace looks like...

           

What happens when we pray? Sometimes my prayers sound more like a lame speech than an inspiring conversation. Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself babble on…sometimes my prayers center around what I need…Not going to lie, most times.

            I had a recent conversation with a friend about how she had trouble asking God for specific things. I laughed to myself recognizing that I happened to be the queen of self centered praying. But when I began to think, I realized that a lot of people struggle with the heart of the matter. Deep down their questions sound like, “Am I worthy enough?” or “Hasn’t He already given me His life?” “ I’m just not good enough to receive from Him.”

            You see, the funny thing about grace is that you were never worthy and nothing you can do will ever change that. Sorry to depress you, but sometimes we just need to open our hands and accept the gift of grace for what it is…a gift. A gift that we don’t deserve or could ever earn in our own striving. My son understands at four years old that I love him regardless of his worst behavior. He doesn’t question my love or second-guess the gifts I give him. He’s secure in my love and I think I can learn from him in this area.

            We recently shared with our son that we were in need of a house and we asked him to join us in praying. Without question of logistics, budget or an explanation of what we were looking for, he folded his sweet hands and began to pray a bold prayer, and that house came…3 bedrooms, stainless steel appliances, playroom and a plush yard. And he didn’t stop there folks…because that boy wanted a swing set and He knew where to go with his request. Those prayers were uttered again in complete confidence and four people were stirred to donate to the fund and that lumber was delivered prophetically. Last minute his grandfathers decided to make an executive decision to haul the lumber to their workshop and preassemble it and when that swing-set returned to our home, it wasn’t in as many pieces but rather a large unit. A seemingly insignificant detail, but this mama heart was in awe because a four year olds prayer came back to my memory. That boy didn’t just pray for a swing-set but he prayed that it wouldn’t come in a box but “be picked up and dropped into his yard.” His dad and I just laughed and now we rejoice, because God reveals himself in the details, because the God of the universe cares about the requests of a four year old. The God of miracles sees it fit to use a stack of lumber to reveal his glory. Just like a father who lavishes his son with great gifts, not because his son is special but because he is his son. A newborn does nothing to gain our love, but from the second their lungs fill with air, we would give our own life for them. They belong to us and we can’t help but give them our everything.

            The same friend who struggled with praying bold prayers told me about a sweet moment between her and her daughter at her daughter’s birthday party. She explained in detail about how her daughter had looked forward to her princess party and snow white dress for weeks. She explained that when it was time for the party and she walked her daughter to her room to get ready that her daughter smiled, trembled and beamed as she clutched her party dress. Her mom recounts the moment as priceless, totally worth the hours planning, hosting a backyard full of guests and cleaning up the aftermath. In her words, “that moment made it all worth it.” And I couldn’t help but think…”that’s exactly what God thinks about us!” Because even when we think our dirty rags disqualify us, all God sees is our beautiful dress, and he actually delights in giving us good gifts. I’m no prosperity preacher by any means, but what if our view of God limits us from experiencing His fullness? What if we treated God like He was just another character out to judge us or punish us? Grace doesn’t hold a list of wrongs over our head; grace invites us to the party. Grace makes a prodigal the guest of honor. Grace invites a prostitute to the table. Grace offers a sinner a way off the cross. The Bible is full of failures…it just so happens to be the ones that accept the grace that become the heroes.

            So pray bold prayers…Think like a parent. The way you love your children fiercely is only multiplied in God’s love for you. Accept the grace and allow Him to use you to the fullest. Stop striving to earn a gift you’ve already been lavished with freely. And last but not least…Rock that party dress!